His Wife Called The Suit Shop Asking Why His 20-Year Gut Wasn't Fighting His Trousers By Midnight.

"Odd question, but… what do you do to your trousers?"

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#1

"Every Do We Go To, Button's Undone Under The Table By Dessert"

Twenty years of the same gut. Same routine at every wedding, every function, every year.

"Saturday he ate everything, beers all night — midnight, trousers sat perfect. Same as four o'clock. He hasn't shut up about your tailoring since. We're on our way in to buy him trousers right now."

Save yourself the trip. It's not the trousers. That's a standard hire suit, same as everything on the rail.

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#2

Suits Coming Back With The Clasp Popped

Or the seam strained. Fellas swelling up over a long day, with nothing wrong with the fit at all — it fitted fine at the fitting.

Which is why the shop started suggesting a particular pair of boxers to go under a full wedding-day suit. The blokes who took the suggestion stopped bringing suits back like that.

"Boxers fixed twenty years of Gerald's gut?"

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#3

"I'm No Doctor, But Here's How It Was Explained To Us"

The part of a gut that grows over a day isn't fat. Fat doesn't come and go between lunch and midnight.

It's fluid, and it settles at the lowest point it can find — right where the waistband sits. Which explains rather a lot about why waistbands are where the trouble always shows up.

These have graded compression, firmest down low and easing off as it rises, so all day it's moving that fluid up and out instead of letting it pool. Gerald's trousers fit at midnight because there was nothing new pushing at them.

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#4

"Twenty Years Of Blaming The Beers."

The beers are innocent. Well — mostly.

Brand's Aida, they're online, sixty-day returns if he doesn't notice the difference. Cheaper than a lifetime of new trousers, tell him.

"He's getting two pairs. Thanks, Ray."

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